My Spiritual Autobiography - Part II

The question that Dan put to me - "Who do you say Jesus Christ is?" - was effective because it induced me to take a stand regarding my religion. I realized that this was something (incredibly) that I had never been asked to do before in my life. In hindsight, and after talking to a lot of my peers, my situation wasn't unusual. It seems that few, if any, of our generation, were really asked to commit to our religion. Rather, it was (seemingly) about going along with the status quo. In my case, the net effect of this "status quo approach" to religion was that I was practically non-religious. I don't mean irreligious. Regarding my relationship to God (what religion is supposed to be) it was something like the relationship you would have with a distant relative - a great aunt maybe. You know you are related, you go through the motions of family when they visit, but you really don't know them that well and their relevance into who you are is practically non-existent. So it was with me and God.

The reason, again, for this spiritual autobiography is to draw attention to the things that God has done for me in my life. The problem is, in order to really do this, it would require me to give a complete account of the spiritual state that my soul had drifted into by the time Dan posed his question. In prudence, this is something better not done on the internet. And it's probably another time to avoid hyperbole (e.g. "miserable", "wretched", etc.). Suffice it to say, as I matured into adulthood practically nonreligious, I was blown along by the cultural wind and there very little about me that would distinguish me from someone who had no religion whatsoever.

And let me emphasize that, in this condition, I was not at peace. Indulge me in a little backstory... I perceive that many people these days are blown by the cultural wind into various self-destructive behaviors - e.g. drugs, sex, alcohol, etc. For some reason, this isn't how I am wired. Rather, when I saw people doing those things, I felt out of place, and I perceived that this was because something was wrong with me. Thus, the net effect the culture had on me was that it induced me to believe that everything, and I do mean everything, was a giant competition and that I was going to win. In retrospect, this was somehow a safer position for me than feeling out of place. And that's where I hid. In time, I achieved most of the things I wanted to achieve in life, my self-confidence grew and I felt less out of place. I "plugged in" to the culture in college. But I never gave up the "competition" mindset - I didn't ever perceive that this was how I thought - something like the fact that fish don't know they are wet.

As I plugged into the culture, it plugged into me and I found myself more and more dependent on the vices I had acquired. As the time of achievement (High School, College, etc) in my life gave way to the time for relationships (marriage, kids, etc.) I found myself ill-prepared. "I can't compete" was my mindset. Vices that had been social and secondary in college became socially centralized in the years that followed. I had a sense that I was not in control of them. Many "New Year's Resolutions" to give up this or that failed. Too many. There were years of a dfferent status quo. Confusion and frustration appeared. I turned to vices to cope with these. It didn't work. I wondered where I was headed. I probably wasn't the only one wondering where Nate Clyde was headed.

This was the spiritual state of the man standing on the porch. In hindsight, the question "Who do you say that Jesus Christ is?" was somehow simultaneously the question "Who is Nate Clyde?". I realized I had never stopped and asked this question. After my experience of reading the New Testament and being struck by the gravity of Jesus Christ and his message the thought came how to me that I better not miss this pitch. I heard Jesus Christ speaking to me through my friend. Somewhere deep in my heart had been planted the idea that Jesus Christ was good, indeed Goodness itself, and that he was very important. I was unwilling to reject Him. He had never done anything bad to me. Never hurt me. If Jesus Christ was calling, and I believed he was, I wanted to answer the phone. I went back to Church. I paid attention, even shopped in the Church bookstore after mass. I got involved. I discovered that time spent in Church, time spent serving others was time off from confusion and frustration and relief from vices. This was the beginning of what I think of the as the "purgative" phase of my life.

Continued II...